Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
