Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
