time to smoke my breakfast
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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