the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
