there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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