I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize