there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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