and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
