i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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