Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
