Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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