WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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