it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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