note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
