i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
