Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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