I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
