My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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