finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
