Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Dignity is for republicans.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
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long story
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weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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