onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
