Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
