i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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