Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
