you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
