Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
