One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You were trust falling into bushes
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
