wat bout pragnant strippers??
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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