Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
