Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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