do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
