Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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