I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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