Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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