What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
