Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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