i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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