I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
