party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
She just used a chaser for red wine.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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