so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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