i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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