i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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