Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
