You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
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