i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
