I want to have your abortion
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
