Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
