I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
