Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
