i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
