one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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