Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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