she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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