I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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