Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize