How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
If that was your dad, he is hot
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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