maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
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