How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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