Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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