my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
