My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I wear drunk well.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
