"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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