I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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